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Im finally here

September 27th, 2006 (04:32 pm)
calm

current location: On my bed
What i'm feeling: calm
What's In My Ear: Arashi~WISH

Im back. After a long time of non-postage and boredom Im finally here.Umm im going to go laze around then ill come back to type somthing =3

(no subject)

May 25th, 2006 (02:06 pm)

Im currently going to be away for a while, i just got out of the hospital again and i just flew on a plane to the nearest town. blah blah, ill be back

(no subject)

April 14th, 2006 (10:45 pm)
full

current location: On my couch
What i'm feeling: full
What's In My Ear: Soul'Decision ~ I don't need anyone

BAHHHH!! This week has been a bum pain that hasn't stopped. Stupid,stupid,stupid week.>.<, Im in serious need of a vacation y'know. To make myself feel alittle better i have spent countless hours playing VIDEO GAMES!
So many^_^. Im getting many more for Easter, nyahahaha! 




So i am leaving for a bit. Ciao.

YESH!

April 3rd, 2006 (09:33 pm)
weird

current location: On my couch in nerdland
What i'm feeling: weird
What's In My Ear: YTV!!

All right! Im getting muh shiney new 'pooter soon!! Can't wait! Turn the butter Oo oO!  Yesh. it should be great, its a custom made 'pooter, 200gb can upgrade, Dvd/cd burner, and billions of picture manipulators and what not. MUAHAHA this should be great.  Then i can get my community </a>antiquecarnivalUp and running, cause right now its pretty lame and simple. 

Im thinking of opening another community, just a jrock 'get together'  If you will. But thats later and after i get my new computer, which i will worship and love and adore everyday of my life. 

I have been really busy with Batsu forum, ya requests coming out every pore of my body, im still not done, and some wiener gave me two smelts! why? cause i didn't get their 75 uploads((which is just mean)) to them within a few days*shakes fists* Bastards! Oh well, so many people are really nice and responsive giving me 821 appluads, up yours meanie heads>:D. 

Saw Ultra Violet with Matt. That movie made NO SENSE whatsoever. Usually i like every movie i see, but this movie was just kill this, pose here, gadget gadget pose-belly button. I WOULD watch it again, but eh.

Im making moving picture header thingies for my community, it takes like 3 friggin hours for just a second of movement, BAHH!

I think i am getting off now, just go diddle daddle around or something. See you!

Where are the sleeping pills? -_-

March 20th, 2006 (04:26 am)

I am up again, this is stupid, i have to work at the school again today. Well in the afternoon anyways. I work through my highschool as a sort of Co-op placement. An easy to get credit course. Thats it if you have a complete*your not failing in* course that you have already taken.

Right now I am watching a mixture of The nightmare Before Christmas*Autumns beloved movie* And Wolf'Rain. I never really watched Wolf's Rain before because of the popularity. But i figured, why not like something because its popular. Thats just stupid, I am who I am and I like what I like. That doesn't make me mainstream. Im FAR from that without even trying. Or so i have been told ne?

I am spending time downloaded some things and waiting for my friend Luna to give me a paint program that she found.

You know what i think, Kiba on WR has a wonderful voice.

Yesterday was the greatest day of my life. I met Christian Peacekeepers-friends of those hostages in The Iraq war- and befriended them. Long story short. But i had no idea the impact my words would have. Everything was so heartfelt, tears and all. Maybe when i am more up to it i will write the entire thing down. Since it was truly, the most beautiful moment of my life.

Ok the ending: Gravity by Mayaa Sakamoto mad me cry again >.< Damnit.

Im sort of scattered i know. I am sorry.

This is all i have to say for right now. Goodnight :)

Pulled an all nighter

March 18th, 2006 (07:14 am)

Bah! Up again all night, and what sucks even more than that, is the fact i have to go out today. Thats right you heard me, i havn't slept for what seems like forever, and i have to go run all over downtown. Well its a good thing i can go for like a week without sleep ne?

I made that crappy Header, but i thought it suited me, simple and says alot, that turned out to be an insult .. Owch Autumn.

I also made a simple picture link to my community, in my Info, the mad hatter, thats it ^_^ not bad for 2 minutes eh?. But i have to edit it a bit, ill do that in a few. The font is hard to read.

Speaking of Antique Carnival*is whoring her community* I finally did my first post. Remember we always need new members*hint hint*

Now i think i am going to drink my Tim Hortons coffee; which i swear they drug cause its soo damned good! And play Tomb Raider until my Grandma wakes up.

One more entry for tonight

March 17th, 2006 (01:09 am)
calm

What i'm feeling: calm
What's In My Ear: UVERworld~D~Technolife

for the people out there(there are about three right now) Matt, Carl, Luna, I love you all, truly i do. Goodnight.

My first journal entry, too bad I feel this way

March 17th, 2006 (12:43 am)
confused

What i'm feeling: somewhat ok .. i think
What's In My Ear: UVERworld~CHANCE!

I know what your thinking whoever-you-are. Another angsty teens journal, right? Not really, just today(and most of this week) i have been feeling really down again, maybe its my depression kicking up once more. Or maybe it never really left,because im really good at cutting my emotions away from my body. Which sort of ends up killing me, as cheesy as that sounds. Its a mixture of things, some too long to write down without causing major damage to my hands, but the others, all just continue to go on with.

My friends, all seem to find someone they really connect with. From my 'sister' and her 20 boyfriends, my friends and their ... well you get the idea. Im just one of those people who seems to slip into the background. Someone you can use and throw away, which was fine up until now. Now, my body is rejecting the "Bury your emotions deep down and pretend you can handle all this", causing me to feel .. jealous. I want someone who truly loves me. Not just romantically, but, makes me feel like i mean something, other than "this is what i can do for them and thats why they tolerate me".

Problem two. I feel really horrible about the way i look, but never leaving the house to do anything. I guess it doesn't matter.

Spending almost two years alone in a house causes some negative effects on you mentally. And i was already mentally unstable, not meaning i am about to snap taking everyone with me, but i may have snapped taking only myself. But, im not suicidal anymore. Although i need a break. I just want a hug. An actual, holding, comforting,warm,soft hug. Its been so long since i had one.

I miss my home, which is not new, i have moved literally hundreds of times. But these past three years i have had some amazingly overwhelming changes. My mother leaving due to violent outbursts, my sisters getting older, my best freind-my grandmother, becoming someone who treats me horribly and makes me feel worthless most of the time. I know its her stress and her job. But sometimes it really hurts, the things she does now are so unlike her. And myself becoming someone who i don't even recognize. You see, i was always someone who sat, thought about everything, was articulate, intelligent, mysterious even. But now, in this journey to find contentment amoungst the personal war being fought inside my house everyday, i sort of lost myself. I miss me, and finally i feel myself slowly starting to come back. Kind of like when someone is swimming underwater and you feel their body brush against your legs. You know they are there, and they will be coming up to breath, but you don't know when that will be, but you know it can't be too long from now. But its scary, my self sabotage and the abuse getting handed to me from what feels like every angle. I just want someone genuine on my side to hold me when things get rough. Im not excluding out the people who have helped me get this far, and stood me back up when i needed it the most(you know who you are too ;)but its just ... it doesn't make sense right now.

Let me have some more time to think about it. Ill be back.

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