Autumn (kanibaru_doru) wrote,
Autumn
kanibaru_doru

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My first journal entry, too bad I feel this way

I know what your thinking whoever-you-are. Another angsty teens journal, right? Not really, just today(and most of this week) i have been feeling really down again, maybe its my depression kicking up once more. Or maybe it never really left,because im really good at cutting my emotions away from my body. Which sort of ends up killing me, as cheesy as that sounds. Its a mixture of things, some too long to write down without causing major damage to my hands, but the others, all just continue to go on with.

My friends, all seem to find someone they really connect with. From my 'sister' and her 20 boyfriends, my friends and their ... well you get the idea. Im just one of those people who seems to slip into the background. Someone you can use and throw away, which was fine up until now. Now, my body is rejecting the "Bury your emotions deep down and pretend you can handle all this", causing me to feel .. jealous. I want someone who truly loves me. Not just romantically, but, makes me feel like i mean something, other than "this is what i can do for them and thats why they tolerate me".

Problem two. I feel really horrible about the way i look, but never leaving the house to do anything. I guess it doesn't matter.

Spending almost two years alone in a house causes some negative effects on you mentally. And i was already mentally unstable, not meaning i am about to snap taking everyone with me, but i may have snapped taking only myself. But, im not suicidal anymore. Although i need a break. I just want a hug. An actual, holding, comforting,warm,soft hug. Its been so long since i had one.

I miss my home, which is not new, i have moved literally hundreds of times. But these past three years i have had some amazingly overwhelming changes. My mother leaving due to violent outbursts, my sisters getting older, my best freind-my grandmother, becoming someone who treats me horribly and makes me feel worthless most of the time. I know its her stress and her job. But sometimes it really hurts, the things she does now are so unlike her. And myself becoming someone who i don't even recognize. You see, i was always someone who sat, thought about everything, was articulate, intelligent, mysterious even. But now, in this journey to find contentment amoungst the personal war being fought inside my house everyday, i sort of lost myself. I miss me, and finally i feel myself slowly starting to come back. Kind of like when someone is swimming underwater and you feel their body brush against your legs. You know they are there, and they will be coming up to breath, but you don't know when that will be, but you know it can't be too long from now. But its scary, my self sabotage and the abuse getting handed to me from what feels like every angle. I just want someone genuine on my side to hold me when things get rough. Im not excluding out the people who have helped me get this far, and stood me back up when i needed it the most(you know who you are too ;)but its just ... it doesn't make sense right now.

Let me have some more time to think about it. Ill be back.
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